Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?
They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
I was saying “Boo-urns.” Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.
He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention! Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
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